13. "SEEKING CO-OWNER OF A BOAT."
On becoming a nautical matchmaker?
The original list item was to “advertise for male co-owner of a boat.” While I have no idea what kind of result that would yield in 1958, in 2024 I wasn’t optimistic about the outcome. Plus, I am not currently in the market to co-own a boat.
But as is often the case with my weird little project, the prompt sent me down an unexpected and somewhat unhinged rabbit hole. I started working on this item around the same time as Bumble’s recent rebrand fail, a misguided ad campaign aimed at winning back frustrated users that instead resulted in the company’s public lambasting. The billboards, which called out women for choosing celibacy over potentially shitty dates, were (rightfully) ripped apart on the internet.
That same week in NYC, if one were to look below the Bumble billboards to street level, they may have noticed a very different kind of dating ad:
And then below that, there was this:
The writing was all over the wall (or rather, on the billboards and the poles). Modern daters aren’t happy, and no one knows how to fix the broken matchmaking machine.
While pondering how placing a classified might have been considered “good dating advice” in 1958, I realized that you can actually learn a lot about a person from the vessel they’d buy. Does the boat need to have enough room for a family? Can this person pay cash? Is travel important? Animals on board? Lake or ocean? Kayak or yacht? Schooner or pontoon? Thoughts on nature? Thoughts on climate change? Thoughts on the Seinfeld finale? Swimming or snorkeling? Fear of sharks? Fear of commitment? Yacht Rock or Enya? Is this a wine and cheese sailing situation, or a whitewater raft adventure scenario?
It boils down to a question of what kind of co-captain will this person be, both in life and at sea. And isn’t that what you want to know when looking for a partner?
Maybe there’s something there. In search of answers, I decided to conduct an experiment: taking myself out of the equation and instead welcoming others into the fray. Relying on the participation of strangers is hardly a new concept for 129 Ways, but in most cases the variables are relatively controlled. I choose to put myself in specific situations, be it learning to golf or hosting a hat box night. My involvement is a central part of each outcome.
But to successfully cosplay as nautical matchmaker and potentially usurp Bumble as the new way people meet, I could not be the only sailor on the ship (boat pun). It would be essential that everyone: strangers, friends, and acquaintances are also on board (another boat pun). And to catch such big fish, I’d need to cast a wider net (final boat pun).
So I took the logical next step, made a flier, and pasted it around the city.
I waited. And waited. And waited. And I thought it was for sure a fail. And then…
I couldn’t help but to engage with this. My reply:
We’re in business!
So here’s the deal. If you or someone you know is single, in the greater New York City area, and feeling frisky, email mustloveboats24@gmail.com.
Include what you’re looking for in a boat, why, and what you want in a partner. From there… I will try and match folks with a suitable boat owner? And by boat owner, I mean a date. And to be clear no one actually has to buy a boat, this is more of a gimmick than a real shopping venture!
Let me know thoughts. Maybe I’ll go full send on the old school classifieds route and create a Boat Ads section of this Substack (like Hot Singles, but with boats).
Most of these essays conclude with an epiphany or commentary about life, love, and everything in between. This has none of that. Why? Because it’s a work in progress. It’s part one of a longer story, and I plan to report back with updates.
For now, a teaser: the Boat Enquirer replied to my drawing sharing notes about both the vessel and himself. What has since transpired is something akin to You’ve Got Mail, Norah Ephron’s epic email romcom in which indie bookseller Meg Ryan accidentally falls for bookstore magnate Tom Hanks. Of course I don’t think I am corresponding with James Daunt (CEO of Barnes & Noble) and still plan to use this to matchmake others, not myself. Regardless, I am intrigued by the possibility of this unexpected pen pal and what it means for the project as a whole.
This could be a big flop and in two weeks I’ll call it and continue to make my way through this silly list. But it could also be a hit. Up to you, readers! x
And hey! One thing about me is I love a group project, so please join in! If you’re in New York and bored, why not plaster the flyer all over your neighborhood? Put it on poles, corkboards, marinas, I don’t care. The more eyes, the better.
P.S. fun fact the original email I made for this was buyingaboat24@gmail.com. Shortly after creation, it was deactivated. I appealed to Google and asked why.
Am I a bot??