I’m writing this from a hostel lobby in Munich, feeling incredibly lucky to have spent the last few weeks traveling with a gaggle of girlfriends. The reason? #23. “Bike Through Europe.”
Technically instead of biking, I bladed through Europe, but why worry about semantics? On Saturday, September 28th, I rollerbladed the Berlin inline skating marathon with my best friends. It was one of the wildest things I’ve ever done, and this is coming from the person who learned to clean and scale a fish. Training for the event consumed most of my leisure time this summer and all of my therapy sessions. For months it was the only thing I thought about, the bane of my very existence. My emotional distress blades accompanied me on journeys to Michigan, Brooklyn, London, Austria, Colorado, Connecticut, and Germany. They’ve been with me during break-ups, break-throughs, and broken nails.
I have so much to say about the marathon — including an insane story about crossing the finish line that I couldn’t fictionalize even if I tried. I will be sharing those thoughts in a few weeks (in a fun special edition!).
Before and after the marathon, I did some traveling, something I haven’t been able to do since college. In preparation, I spent hundreds of hours standing in front of a mirror practicing #22. “Use Your Eyes to Good Advantage.” The result had me looking like this.
Some people obsess about how to pack suitcases, I make myself cross-eyed straining to perfect seductive blinking techniques.
My friends and I actually did use our eyes to a healthy advantage on our European romp. In London, light staring earned the attention of a gloriously tattooed bartender at Kwānt, the only non-members club in Mayfair that would take us after midnight. One glance across a bar on a boat in Treptow brought us Nikolai, a chain-smoking artist eager to explain the continued divisions between West and East Berlin. Our pupils bore into the soul of a burly brown bear at the Innsbruck Alpenzoo, the highest-elevation Zoo in Europe. And in Munich, a batting of the eye invited the attention of just about anyone; hostels and Oktoberfest are hotbeds for cornea-induced camaraderie. We danced on tables with Fedora-clad Venetians and screamed on rollercoasters (there are RIDES at Oktoberfest!) with clean-cut engineers from Oklahoma.
Safe to say avoiding eye contact would have made the trip far less social. So I’d highly recommend using your eyes to good advantage a la European women.
Similar to the marathon, I have much to say about the past few weeks. But the top line here is that I’m grateful. As with many of the 129 list items, the best part was simply sharing these adventures with the people who matter most.
So here’s the part where I pivot and introduce something different: a new section of 129, inspired by my desire to help everyone experience the same kinds of joys this list has brought me.
Over the last year, I have spent a lot of time researching how we interact with each other in the 21st Century. Past versus present, ways to put ourselves out there, and activities to broaden our horizons. One of the questions I am flattered to be frequently asked is, “How the heck do you find this stuff?”
A good magician cannot reveal her secrets, but I certainly can share my results.
I’m rolling this additional segment of 129 out as a paid tier. The list item essays (#10. Carry a Hat Box.”) are still free to all, but the extra bits — “The Modern 129” — will be for paid subscribers. Once a month, I’ll drop a portion of this new list, which is full of curated and heavily researched ideas for how and where people are putting themselves out there in 2024.
As I near one year (!) of 129, I have become keenly aware of how much this project changed my life. It’s opened up my world and made it more fulfilling than I could have ever imagined. It inadvertently funded a trip to Europe so I could rollerblade a marathon, for goodness sake! (Like I said, more on that soon).
I am overwhelmed by gratitude for this endeavor and genuinely surprised by everything it’s given me. Expect a hefty retrospective in November. Prepare to cry.
Everyone should get to have this much fun (if they want to). And while I do think anyone could do the original list (seriously, hit up your local fishmonger and ask for a cleaning lesson), the 1958 edition leaves a lot to be desired. That is, of course, the beauty of the main 129 Ways to Get a Life — seeing what holds up and what doesn’t. And that part of this Substack isn’t going anywhere.
I’ll continue to take one for the team and make my way through the source material (probably weeks away from “Stand on a Busy Street Corner With a Lasso”). But I’m also going to start sharing brand-new ideas: how to meet people now.
What would this list look like if it started from scratch in 2024? The Modern 129 is my best guess, and these are items 1-5.
I encourage you to do them, share some, and let me know how it goes.
The Modern 129 (1-5)
1. Join an intramural sports league.
Picture this: on a Thursday night in May, you walk past McCarren Park in Williamsburg — or maybe Wash Park in Denver or Mission Dolores in San Diego. No matter the location, the scene is the same. Clustered under white-hot lights stands a pack of adults ranging from age 22 to 35, sneakers dirty from running around a field.
Their discussions on where to get a post-game beer are easily overheard, and it's fun to watch the flirting, laughing, and shouting between teammates. They're a diverse team, residents on the island of mismatched toys, brought together and bonded eternally by one thing: intramural social sports.
Adult athletic leagues are hardly a new concept. In fact, they're one of the oldest in the book (the rise of amateur leagues can be traced to the late 1800s after structural shifts in working-class America created time for leisure). So, why now? What's so special about a gaggle of 20-somethings roaming the streets in matching neon t-shirts?
I know people who have entered a league alone and finished the season with a romantic partner, a best friend, or an entirely new community. My sister met her husband on a Denver kickball team. These leagues offer a way to get out into the world, be active, and connect with others.
Where can I find one?
Here are some of the leagues I’ve found. I’m personally a Volo girl. My softball team has lost every single game in their five-year history!
Volo (Baltimore, Boston, Charleston, Denver, Los Angeles, Morristown, NY Metro, San Francisco, San Diego, San Jose, Seattle, Washington D.C.)
ZogSports (New York, New Jersey, DC, Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Jose)
Things to talk about while kicking around the ‘ol pigskin:
How a Scottish Softball League Cured My American Loneliness (New York Times)
The Last Days of Summer by Steve Kluger — Look, this has nothing to do with intramural sports, but it’s one of the best books I’ve ever read and not enough people know about it. Bring it up at your softball game.
In Social Sports It’s About Camaraderie, Not Competition (New York Times)
Most participants are looking for a social experience. “It is all about you creating a personal connection with other people,” he said. Like Ms. Keenan, most of the people signing up for social sports leagues today are urban professionals in their 20s and 30s. Jean Twenge, a psychology professor at San Diego State University, said people in their 20s today were less likely to be married or living with a partner than in previous generations, so they had fewer social connections and were looking for more ways to make friends.
2. Learn chess.
Chess is where the hots are, apparently.
I first heard about a “social adult chess club” about a year ago from my friend Abby. It was described as a way to meet friends and hang out in an interesting setting — no prior chess experience necessary. After further exploration, it really seems to be a thing. What better way to get to know a stranger than sitting across from them, strategically moving little monarchical figurines around a checkered board?
For those who are a bit socially shy, chess provides a buffer. For those who live to yap, chess creates an easy in and an intimate opportunity. It’s a conversation starter; it’s simple yet complicated; it’s intellectual; it’s cool! It’s different and daring. Do it.
Where can I find the Queen to my King?
Pawn Chess Club (NYC) — The aforementioned chess club that started it all. Have heard wonderful things. Their next meeting is October 5th!
LA Chess Club (LA)— I read the LA Times article about this (see below) and thought, “wow, I am actually not even cool enough to play chess.”
Any other social chess clubs in cities? Send them and I’ll update this!
Content! I need chess content!
LA Chess Club Is How Gen-Z and Millenials Are Finding Community and Dates (LA Times)
How Life Imitates Chess — A man named Garry Kasparov (considered the greatest player that ever lived) “distills the lessons he learned over a lifetime as a Grandmaster to offer a primer on successful decision-making: how to evaluate opportunities, anticipate the future, devise winning strategies.” Sounds like that Freakonomics book everyone’s so stoked about.
The Eight by Katherine Neville — I found this on a reddit thread. It’s about a “computer whiz who must enter into a cryptic world of danger and conspiracy in order to recover the pieces of a legendary chess set once owned by Charlemagne and buried for one thousand years.” Book club, anyone?
The Queen’s Gambit by Walter Tevis — Remember the 2020 Netflix Covid banger starring Anya Taylor Joy? You know how it did for Chess what Challengers did for Tennis? This is the book that started it all!
3. Put your name and contact info on a sticker, stamp, or business card. Take to the bar and pass it out!
News flash: simply asking for someone’s phone number or Instagram is out. Just give them yours already! Hand it to them in print, ink, or adhesive! We don’t have time to waste with small talk and an awkward shuffle around requesting contact info.
It’s an election year, dang it — take action!
There’s no way people are actually doing this, right?
Yes they are. In this video, a girl puts essentially a Hinge profile’s worth of information on a pink business card with the note, “I thought you were cute & liked your vibe so I’m making the first move.” It’s endearing and awesome.
No really, they are. This girl is at the bar stamping the arms of anyone she finds attractive. She also went viral. Cool!
Don’t believe me? They are. Remember that episode of The Office where Michael Scott gives his business card to the bar manager at happy hour? She calls him. They date. It doesn’t end well.
So what, I’m supposed to just make a sticker, stamp, or business card?
Stamp — There’s a million places to make a stamp. And how fun! Imagine waking up after a night out with a number stamped on your body. Seems like the start of a zany Zach Galifianakis comedy.
Sticker — Stickers are fun. They make people happy. They are multipurpose. They are everything. Just don’t order from Sticker Mule.
Business card — They’re literally calling cards. What more is there to say?
4. Take an improv class.
If I had a penny for every person I know who’s met their partner or best friend in an improv class, I could pay for an improv class (they are not cheap).
I could wax poetic about how much I love improv. Taking an improv class teaches you to think on your feet, find the fun in uncomfortable situations, and listen to your partner. It pushes you out of your comfort zone. It helps with public speaking. It encourages a point of view and fosters the imagination. It can sometimes land you on SNL.
And then there’s the community. Whether you’re in a 101 class or on a team that performs weekly, improv opens the door to a world of wonderful, silly, and (mostly) welcoming people. The friendships don’t rest in whether or not you’re purusing comedy as your career; in fact, many of my favorite improv folks have nothing to do with the performing arts of writing. These are just people who love to laugh and want to surround themselves with like-minded individuals.
Where can I do improv? Better question is where can you NOT do improv? Improv Is Everywhere.
NYC: Brooklyn Comedy Collective, Upright Citizens Brigade (UCB), The Second City, The Pit
Chicago: The Second City, Improv Olympic (IO), The Annoyance
LA: The Groundlings, UCB
Detroit: Go! Comedy
Toronto: The Second City
“I’m not funny.” “Improv is weird.” “There’s no way it’s worth it, right?” Wrong.
There are endless articles, books, and movies testifying about how great improv is. Here are a few :)
How an Improv Comedy Class Revolutionized My Dating Life
It started by accident. There was a funny guy in my class. I said, “Let’s go see a show,” only to realize, when I showed up, that it was a date. Turns out that it’s pretty easy to ask guys out. Previously, asking a guy on a date fell into the same category as lighting my whole body on fire. Because I hadn’t had time to obsess over the date, I didn’t feel as strongly about this guy as I usually did. What a perfect time to try out my new party trick: being vulnerable. Everything is temporary. When you do an improv scene, you know your work is disposable. So to with dating. You might as well be honest and real. If it’s terrible, you never have to see that person again. If it’s good, you might get laid. If it’s great, you might get a boyfriend.
Say Goodbye to Awkward Dates with These Improv Tips — I wanted to balk at this but honestly, there are some really helpful and insightful points here. This is probably why comedians are so successful at being in relationships.
Truth in Comedy — This is sort of the Bible for improv kids. Perhaps tied with the Upright Citizens Brigade Comedy Manual. Both were required reading for my college improv troupe.
Don’t Think Twice — Technically a movie, but it's canon. Have to include.
5. Read a book alone at a bar or restaurant.
This is a reclaiming of that silly romcom trope: “person reads alone at a bar, gets asked out, and finds love.” That doesn’t usually happen, but a lot of us (me) expect it to. And when we go into a situation with a specific expectation for something amazing to occur we are often disappointed (see: #1. Get a Dog and Walk It).
So why did it make the list? Because it’s something that should just be for you. Being comfortable alone is as important as being able to jump into new social or romantic situations. There is a sense of power that comes with knowing you can be your companion, even if only for a quick meal or a drink at a bar. If life is a balancing act, then we need to incorporate solitude into socialization to even the scales.
Good places to post up:
This is really specific to your tastes and your city. But some places to start…
Any fancy hotel lobby, really.
NYC: The Hoxton, The Ludlow, The Marlton
A classic diner. You know the kind.
NYC: Three Decker Diner
Somewhere with red wine and fancy fries.
NYC: Balthazar, Long Island Bar
What my literary friends are reading and you may want to as well:
The Overstory by Richard Powers
The Idiot by Elif Bautman
Pachinko by Min Jin Lee
I Feel Bad About My Neck by Norah Ephron
The Dud Avocado by Elaine Dundy
Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver
A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J Mass (sorry not sorry)
Destiny of the Republic by Candice Millard
F*ckface and Other Stories by Leah Hampton
That’s it! How’d we do? Do you like this new segment? Try some of this out and let me know how it works! I’d love to hear.
Either way, get stoked for #23. Blade Across Europe. Coming soon!
Maybe my fave yet :’)
This is brilliant!!!