Everything is Dating!

Or, #32. “Get a hunting license.”

Hello and happy August! I thought I’d get more editions of 129 out the past few months but summer was summering and…you know how it goes. Hope everyone managed to spend some time outside with loved ones and possibly dolphins, if you went to the sea. Honestly, I did all of us a favor by not publishing so that you could focus on whatever trashy summer read you brought to the beach instead. So, you’re welcome, and now without further ado…we’re back.

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List item #32. “Get a hunting license,” presented an interesting challenge.

Since the onset of civilization, women and men have largely been sorted into two respective categories: gatherer and hunter. The anthropological data—presented in such high-brow forms like The Flintstones, The Croods, or the 1981 Ringo Starr star vehicle The Caveman—reinforces this, one fact clear no matter the story: women do not hunt. 

Is that actually true? 

A cursory Google says not. According to a University of Washington and Seattle Pacific University 2023 study, in 79% of the societies for which data exists, women were hunting. The evidence includes a re-examination of the 11,000-year-old remains of a female with a tool found buried under her head. Initially identified as a kitchen tool, upon recent investigation, researchers determined it was a hunting tool. The findings go further. It turns out 30%-50% of prehistoric individuals buried with hunting tools were female, but because of the assumption that such tools are just for men, the bodies had been misclassified as male. 

I could go on. But since this is not a scientific Substack, I will stop. My point is, contrary to what big caveman wants you to believe, women be hunting. 

In the prehistoric era, hunting was survival. In modern history, that’s not the case, so there’s less information on the gender divide of hunters. The most compelling statistics I could find were on the NRA website and I refuse to click on it <3. 

There have been famous contemporary female hunters—Annie Oakley, Karen Blixen, Gertrude Bell, Agnes & Cecily Herbert—but in the context of 1950s women, when the original 129 was published, there’s just not a lot of info.

While it was legal for women in 1958 to attain a hunting license, I struggle to understand how traipsing through the forest with a big gun could possibly land you a date. Unless looking for a bear in a literal sense rather than metaphorical, the great outdoors seems like an unwise place to husband hunt. 

What’s more, as it is no longer a matter of survival (for most), I can’t imagine myself getting on with a sport hunter out there just to shoot a prize. I understand others feel differently (see: The Hunting Wives on Netflix), but this is not their project, and it’s a line I prefer not to cross. 

So, #32. “Get a hunting license" put me in a real pickle. How could I accomplish this task in a way that felt organic, interesting, and ethical? 

It was clear there are two categories of hunting—survival vs. sport. The phrase “husband hunt” also rattled repeatedly through my head. Considering the above, I wondered if I could engage with the material without exchanging my morals. 

According to the Cambridge Dictionary (I liked their version more than Merriam-Webster), to hunt means “to search for something or someone.” No matter the objective—manhunt (criminal), man hunt (romantic), job hunt, house hunt, Easter Egg hunt, game hunt—the implication is the same. It’s the act of pursuit.   

So, I had this epiphany: maybe “everything is hunting,” or… “everything is dating.” Either way, once the dots were connected, it was impossible to unsee. 

It was through this lens that I went about my literal task: #32. “Get a hunting license.” What, you thought I wasn’t going to do it? Come on. 

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Guns are not for me, nor could I get behind killing animals. But what I could stomach was one of the oldest weapons in the book: a bow and arrow. 

Archery was an exciting option. Having grown up on The Hunger Games, The Princess Diaries 2, and Brave, an adeptness at archery screams power and confidence and cool. Plus, in the case of an apocalypse, it’s a genuinely useful skill.

Thus, one night months ago, I grabbed my perpetual partner-in-crime and frequent 129 guest star Annamarie, and we headed to Gotham Archery in Gowanus for an Introductory Class. We marveled at the facility. Bowling alley length lanes lined the cavernous hall. Archers of all shapes, sizes, and skills held the back line as their arrows zinged toward the target. Music blared. Regulars lounged in the seating area, while others perused merch by the front desk. 

As for Anna and me, we were relegated to the back room for training. Our strapping and sarcastic instructor, whom I shall call Arrow Andy, walked us through the basics: the merits of a compound bow vs. a crossbow; how to shoot and how to aim; the right way to stand and the wrong way to retrieve. 

By the end of the clinic, our arms were covered in welts, our target sheets tattered with holes, but we had passed the class. We strutted down the empty streets of Brooklyn with bright smiles, thrilled we could come back and shoot whenever.  

(Have we been back since? No, but it’s nice to know the option exists.)

Here’s the thing: hitting a paper target in Gowanus is not the same as being licensed to hunt in New York. The original #32 wasn’t “Try archery one time”; it was “Get a hunting license.” And a hunting license requires proof you’ve taken a state-approved certification course…which is how weeks later, I found myself at my laptop, staring down a 20-hour, $30 online Bowhunter Safety Education class.

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If you’d asked me 10 hours in, I would have said it was a fruitless, futile activity; a complete waste of energy and money for someone with no intention of hunting an animal. But around hour 11, after I’d spent an absurd amount of time learning bowhunting history, the benefits, the challenges, and forcing my eyes to focus on very low-fi video tutorials courtesy of the New York State Parks department, something interesting happened. 

I reached the Ethics section. Lessons on how to be a respectful hunter and protect from harm. With every slide, the parallels become more and more evident. It hit me like an arrow, square in the chest (that is the kill shot, FYI). 

The Bowhunter’s Guide to Ethics could—and should—be applied to dating.

In fact, as I finished the course, passed the 80-question test, and marveled at my certification card, I couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps every new dater should also have to go through a training. Learn the rules of the game before you can play. Understand the risk, the reward, the cost, the benefit. Force everyone to be a card carrying Dater to show they’ve put a little thought into the task. 

This is by no means an online course complete with animations and interactive tests, but it’s a start. Without further ado, I present my field notes from the Official New York Bowhunter Safety Course…modified. 

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The DATER’S GUIDE TO ETHICAL HUNTING

Annotated with notes from the field 

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Your ethical code doesn’t just happen all by itself. Consider how you’d feel after acting on a decision—would you feel proud or ashamed? And how would it affect other people? 

DATER’S GUIDE: If you’d feel ashamed for something you’re doing romantically either to yourself or someone else, probably don’t do it. 

To make ethics work for you, there are three steps to follow:

STEP #1: Realize that there are moral decisions to make, such as: “Should I shoot now and risk merely wounding the game, or should I wait for a better shot?”

DATER’S GUIDE: Know when to shoot your shot—don’t just blindly throw arrows. Make it intentional, and make it matter. 

STEP #2: Think of consequences of decisions and how they might affect you and others.

DATER’S GUIDE: Consequences, my friends! They’re real! 

STEP #3: Do the right thing. 

DATER’S GUIDE: Spike Lee said it, the Bowhunter Education Course said it, a poster in your high school homeroom said it. Do the right thing. 

That sounds simple; in real life, however, few answers are black and white. Laws are everything you must and must not do; ethics are the things you should and should not do…

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The DATER’S RULES FOR ETHICAL HUNTING

Once again, annotated with notes from the field

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RULE #1: Know and respect your personal limitations. Some limitations can be improved with a little effort.  

DATER’S GUIDE: Everyone has flaws. Embrace them, accept them, and don’t overcompensate. We can tell. No amount of Omakase can cover it up :)

RULE #2: Respect your equipment.

DATER’S GUIDE: YOU are your equipment! Self-respect is endlessly important when it comes to dating. We teach people how to treat us. It’s easy to lose a bit of respect in the name of a good hunt, but at the end of the game, if you give it up, you’ll be left worse for wear, scuffed and sad. Take care of yourself.   

RULE #3: Respect the property of the landowner and treat it as if it were your own. 

DATER’S GUIDE: If you’re at a bar on a date, don’t smash bottles. And if you go to someone’s apartment, maybe don’t steal their shit? 

RULE #4: Respect game animals and resources. Observing and learning about all wildlife can be an enjoyable educational experience, as well as a way to build confidence needed for the hunt.

DATER’S GUIDE: It’s never a bad idea to learn about the person you’re seeing. If they say they love a book, read it. If they have a favorite food, try it. If they’re from a culture different from your own, embrace it.

Or if they say where they work, follow them and stand outside their office with a magazine in front of your face Joe-from-You style, observing their every move so you know their coffee order, their coworkers, their train stop. 

But don’t stalk them, or anything. 

RULE #5: Respect your companions. Four key ways to maintain friendships on a hunt:

Shared values.

DATER’S GUIDE: Can’t align on key issues, can’t build a life together. 

Dependability.

DATER’S GUIDE: Can they plan? Do they show up when they say they’re going to? Do you feel anxious and confused, or safe and secure? 

Courtesy.

DATER’S GUIDE: How do they treat the server? Are they kind to strangers? Do they open doors for you, or let them hit you on the way out?

Communication.

DATER’S GUIDE: If you got caught in a zombie attack, could you effectively discuss and carry out an attack strategy? Food for thought.

RULE #6: The rule of first blood. The “rule of first blood” establishes a fair way to determine who can claim an animal that has been shot by two hunters.

DATER’S GUIDE: There’s a reason there have been countless rom-coms written about this very scenario. Well not THIS scenario, but two people falling for the same person. Honor who was there first.

Yes, of course there are exceptions to this—it’s circumstantial, situational, you can’t fight a feeling. But if someone calls dibs, just give it to them. Your hunting partner is more important than a random shot. 

RULE #7: Know how arrows kill. Shoot in the vital area—the heart or the lungs. A shot in the spine or from the back can lead to a slow, painful death.

DATER’S GUIDE: What if the arrow strikes and it’s a match? There’s a reason Cupid uses a quiver. If you get things right, a single shot in the heart is all it takes. One way or another, it’s quick. You know.

As the blade pierces into the soul, some version of you dies—the single one, the hungry one, the infatuated one—in place of something new. Even if the shot is a kill: you don’t get the boy, the job, the buck, it’s still an ending. 

A shot in the lungs is different, but powerful. It takes your breath away. 

And then there’s the miss. The gut punch, the blind side, the spine shot. It’s a cut you didn’t see coming, it’s an unexpected attack, and it’s slow and it’s painful. No one tries to hit where it hurts, but it happens.

RULE #8: Bowhunting (and dating) involves in a considerable amount of risk. To prepare for this, you should: 

Be in good health.

DATER’S GUIDE: Mental health matters! Call your therapist!

Prepare a hunting plan and make sure others know where you are.

DATER’S GUIDE: Share that location and have your friends check-in.

Use protection.

DATER’S GUIDE: Duh.

Know first aid.

DATER’S GUIDE: Be ready patch yourself up. Apply pressure to the wound to stop the bleed.

There’s risk in everything. That’s the beauty of life—you’ll gain nothing if you’re unwilling to lose something. You could fall out of a tree (who hasn’t fallen hard, once or twice). You could get hypothermia (nothing like a slow freeze out, eh?). You could choose rotten meat. But it’s part of the process. You can’t bag a big game—or a big love—from the safety of a camp. 

RULE #9: Know what to do when you think you are lost. When you find yourself in a survival situation, the most important tool is your brain. And be sure to just S.T.O.P. 

Stop when you realize you've got a problem.

DATER’S GUIDE: The hardest thing to admit is when you’re in trouble; it’s even harder to accept that it’s not working. 

Think about what you need to do to survive.

DATER’S GUIDE: Can you make it through? 

Observe the area; and look for shelter, fuel, etc.

DATER’S GUIDE: Stock up on snacks, Kleenex, movies, friends, and wine. Lots of wine. So much wine.  

Plan how you are going to use your survival kits. Don’t wait until dark to plan!

DATER’S GUIDE: It might end. Prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. 

Remain calm. Think clearly. Use the tools you have available to you.

DATER’S GUIDE: When your brain won’t stop buzzing, your heart hurts, you’re exhausted, you don’t want to keep searching—the only option is to move forward. You have to keep pushing and trust that you will be okay.

It might be a long journey. That’s fine. It can take a while to get out of the woods. 

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If you’ve gotten this far, congratulations! You’ve completed the Dater’s Guide to Ethical Hunting. If you want a certification, feel free to doctor my official Bowhunting one. That’s all I’ve got for this one.

And remember: women be hunting!